40+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (January 13, 2024)

Advertisement
  • 01
    gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi My friend got a tattoo on his arm that says "comparison is the thief of joy" and I'm really debating getting the same tattoo on my arm but a little bit bigger 10:03 PM 1/1/24 from Earth 3M Views . 6.9K Reposts 159 Quotes
  • 02
    Legonium @tutubuslatinus Veni. Vidi. Conveni. Consedi. (I came. I saw. I fit. I sit.) 1030 2:07 PM 1/1/24 from Earth. 1.3M Views ● 6.4K Reposts 114 Quotes
  • 03
    zou bisou bisou where are you @lilgrapefruits Don draper's secretaries trying to keep a log of his daily schedule: ??? I am paradoxical @poptwats 1d 156 DRINK 52 LOSE HIS MIND 5 CHEAT 3 LEAVE/DIVORCE 11 KILL HIMSELF 7 4 FOX 26 fox26houston.com
  • 04
    tweet davidson @andykreed when guys become dads they're sorted into one of these four houses like in harry potter DEWALT DYWALY Milwaukee DYWAL FUEL RYOBI . Thakita 1:26 PM 1/1/24 from Earth 720K Views RYOBL RYOBI RYOBI RYO
  • 05
    Lauren Bonner @laurenybonner If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don't mind waiting, but give me the goss 7:36 PM 1/4/24 From Earth 74K Views . 106 Reposts 9 Quotes 2.6K Likes 27 Bookmarks
  • 06
    Britt has a problem @beyonceissatan Cremation has entered it's Renassaince era ¹24 7:10 X { ** | 71% LIVE Explore Following Shop For You Amanda #creamation Q 118.5K 8 ... 744 3,577 9,837
  • 07
    Roy Drones Jr @chiweethedog everyone has had a 'Subway phase' where you ate Subway sandwiches for like a month straight. that was undiagnosed depression 3:06 PM 1/2/24 1.7M Views ● 3.1K Reposts 1.9K Quotes 36K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 08
    Grip Bayless @talleyberrybaby Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that??? 12:12 PM 1/2/24 From Earth 1.2M Views ● 6.4K Reposts 275 Quotes ●
  • 09
    supernigga @_darryllflores "we heard you tried to kill yourself so we gave you suicide doors" Vusi.Mz @YouDunnoVusi 15h Imagine pimp my ride in this era we living in 7:17 AM 1/2/24 From Earth. 4.4M Views 12K Reposts 363 Quotes
  • 10
    Joe @jrzdl When all the people you told "let's circle back to this in the New Year" start emailing you That was a problem for future me and now I am future me 3:33 AM 1/2/24 From Earth. 1M Views 3K Reposts 86 Quotes 34K Likes 574 Bookmarks
  • 11
    slate @PleaseBeGneiss imagine getting your dessert gerrymandered Marie @mesolude.1d He keeps cutting out deranged shapes from my brownie
  • 12
    Roy Drones Jr @chiweethedog I thought Fat Joe got his hands on some ozempic SAY CHEESE! @Saycheese DGTL-3h Jada Pinkett-Smith shows off her jean leg warmers jadapinkettsmith I think jean leg warmers is where it's at for me in 2024
  • 13
    jon drake @DrakeGatsby "Hope you're all feeling refreshed after the break" I binge-drank and ate nothing but sugar for 10 days it's a miracle I'm alive 10:32 AM 1/2/24 From Earth 1.4M Views 3.4K Reposts 111 Quotes 38K Likes 625 Bookmarks
  • 14
    Grug @GRUGCEL one of my earliest memories is my dad teaching me how to mine in Runescape 2 so he could have an undetectable mining bot (his child) 2:00 PM 1/1/24 from Earth. 1.9M Views ● 3.4K Reposts 305 Quotes 66K Likes 1.6K Bookmarks
  • 15
    The Wizard @wizardsextape Me: I promise I won't cast gaseous form at the function tonight 3 potions later: 11:52 AM 1/1/24 from Earth - 2M Views 8.4K Reposts 126 Quotes
  • 16
    bailey moon @Baileymoon15 i accidentally got too high and ate half a bag of flaming hot cheetos and puked an hour later so i called 911 bc i thought i was puking blood because i forgot i ate all of those flaming hot cheetos rachel @rachelmillman 2d Alright. We're wrapping up the year. It is now tradition: Please tell me about the funniest and stupidest thing you did in 2023 11:27 AM 1/1/24 from Earth. 1.4M Views ● 901 Reposts 86 Quotes 30K Likes 532 Bookmarks
  • 17
    Daniel Holland & @DannyDutch It's 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon. 3-IN-1 GOTHAM GRAPE SCENTED BODY WASH N-SHAMPOO & CONDITIONER NET 14 11. oz. (414ml)
  • 18
    Big B @BWareLaFlare She gon have chicks in the gym looking like Mexican wrestlers Sole Retriever @Sole Retriever 21h OFFICIAL: Megan Thee Stallion's Nike Training Collection drops in February Megan gave us a sneak peak during her New Year's Eve Time Square performance. 0:06 11:45 AM 1/1/24 from Earth 2.8M Views c 3.2K Reposts 127 Quotes 33K Likes 569 Bookmarks
  • 19
    Upon another edible mascot 23-0- A Bull AVOS 247 SUGARBOWL adrian @yourpalcrawf Ross Dellenger @RossDellenger 1h 30 AMERICAS Qede CHEV P Ochsner 7:28 PM 1/1/24 from Earth 1.2M Views cox 1.3K Reposts 22 Quotes 19K Likes 126 Bookmarks Teas
  • 20
    Zoë (microplastics enjoyer arc ( @PunishedZoe Imao brought my innocent sibling to a New Year's party and they immediately texted me this Today 1:59 AM This isn't a party this is just people doing drugs Let's go home 5:18 AM 1/1/24 from Earth · 788K Views 1.4K Reposts 301 Quotes
  • 21
    Discount Emma Stone @Buffalojilll This is super useful for every time I want to indulge in a bowl full of hot delicious clear liquid Science girl @gunsnrosesgirl3-17h A heat-changing bowl uses thermochromic ink to change color when filled with hot liquid. 11:19 AM 1/1/24 from Earth 2.4M Views ● ... c
  • 22
    stephanie @hi_stephanie do you think I can read 46 books in the next 17 minutes EDIT 4 of 50 books 45 books behind schedule . 11:43 PM 12/31/23 from Earth 2.7M Views 3.1K Reposts 434 Quotes 8% PAST CHALLENGES
  • 23
    This shit doesn't feel walkable when it's 3:00 pm and you're trying to get from the mines to the blacksmith before 4:00 symp ROANdeer @transapoIIo em @girlfr0g 1d The modern American mind couldn't comprehend a walkable town Nunta imk 2000 "IH IM | aa7 is NOT real 8 LITE RELEASED 6:48 PM 12/31/23 5.2M Views
  • 24
    rennat (Tank Gunner) @rennaTcMrennaT What are these 2 up to lol Dave McMenamin @mcten 1d D'Angelo Russell (bruised tailbone) and Cam Reddish (sore groin) are both out tonight vs. the Pelicans, per the Lakers. 3:52 AM 1/1/24 from Earth 2.4M Views ● 1.1K Reposts 28 Quotes 22K Likes 564 Bookmarks
  • 25
    Gwdihŵ @youwould know My husband telling me happy new year at midnight after I fell asleep on the sofa hours ago 5:10 PM 12/31/23 from Earth 1.6M Views 3.3K Reposts 122 Quotes
  • 26
    computer man @gloomfather Hate to say it but if 2024 is anything like this year then we've got another 12 months headed our way 10:19 AM 12/31/23 from Earth 383K Views ● 1.1K Reposts 19 Quotes 14K Likes 95 Bookmarks
  • 27
    Ben Crew @BenjaminCrew1 Love when you watch a Civil War documentary and a boring historian is just like "This battle was absolutely crucial" and then it cuts to a Virginia professor who is the human version of Foghorn Leghorn being like "WellIIIII now these bois were in fer a reckoningggg" 1:23 PM 12/31/23 from Earth 435K Views ● 485 Reposts 13 Quotes 10K Likes 407 Bookmarks
  • 28
    gaba analogue girl @gabagrl my bf texts like a poor orphan child Aw Today 2:13 AM I oy had pringles to est tofay Today 5:18 AM Today 8:34 AM I stole Apple juice 12:44 PM - 12/31/23 from Earth - 2M Views aww Delivered ok 4.3K Reposts 714 Quotes 80K Likes 3K Bookmarks
  • 29
    north D @north@fnorth woke up to the funniest comments section i've had in a long time north @north@fnorth-15h roommate just returned from spending christmas with their family only to reveal to me that i've been drinking LEADED TAP WATER for SIX MONTHS 57 108 5.4K ₁191K 口企 juggo @JosephFrogman - 11h You do realize lead is only bad for children right? For adults its not a problem. You just want an excuse 15 口企 20 1 27 Dirty_Mac @The_Dirty_Mac. 5h @BadMedical Takes juggo 8 @JosephFrogman ₁20K 17 ₁
  • 30
    Fuck off @Get_effed Christmas adverts: "Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It's Christmas!" New year adverts: "Look at what you've done to yourself, you fat sack of shit" 9:09 AM 12/31/23 from Earth 762K Views . 1.7K Reposts 45 Quotes 23K Likes 325 Bookmarks
  • 31
    hunter @hunter hhhh only one other guy seeing this movie... im about to make this guy's night SCREEN 4:21 PM 12/31/23 from Earth. 1.8M Views ● 2.1K Reposts 253 Quotes
  • 32
    tori @fakeplasticbone my parents text me like the souls of the damned mom Help us please father Please 6:31 PM 12/31/23 from Earth. 160K Views 5:01 PM > 5:01 PM
  • 33
    Invis @invis4yo why does this make sense Usman Tariq @itxusman__ 10h Is maroon just navy red 11:08 AM 12/31/23 5.9M Views 0.6 7.7K Reposts 87 Quotes 93K Likes 1.8K Bookmarks
  • 34
    corndog @gogurtkid upstairs neighbors training camp Sassington, M.C. @MissSassbox-1d his dealer only need show this clip for marketing. FUACION FURGONAL OD PABLO 5:28 PM 1/2/24 From Earth 2.4M Views ● c
  • 35
    Mike Townsend @townsendyesmate Does anyone remember the password to my office computer. And also a single aspect of how my job works. 2:42 AM 1/2/24 From Earth 3.3M Views ● 6K Reposts 351 Quotes 64K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 36
    _BRYCEMOMMY @Ms_Lela31 My nephew ask me why I gotta pole in my room baby auntie is a firefighter 3:34 PM 4/28/22 From Earth 62 Reposts 59 Quotes 686 Likes 2 Bookmarks
  • 37
    ed @erar97 She looks like she's going to lure you to a remote island and have you fight a big robot under a volcano CRAVE POP Pop Crave @PopCrave 4d Lady Gaga stuns in new photo. 490
  • 38
    Jamie @jami@mckay It is the 7 year anniversary of the most beautifully written paragraph in the history of the English language. 56 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone Reply looks ok 6 years ago 5:30 AM 1/5/24 From Earth 723K Views .
  • 39
    K @843KT Garlic Butter Papi @RGT Thoughts 7h Can we finally admit that seafood boils are overrated? 7:00 PM 1/4/24 From Earth 1.5M Views T 4.6K Reposts 60 Quotes 34K Likes 480 Bookmarks
  • 40
    Dr Clops: Medicine Horse twitch.tv/brai... @Brainmage Used to be a mouse could eat an entire block of cheese and his body would become perfectly triangular with two ears and a nose sticking out. Can't any more, because of woke. 7:52 AM 11/2/23 781K Views ● 3.5K Reposts 33 Quotes 26K Likes 441 Bookmarks
  • 41
    AWARD WINNING nooo not the pimp my ride guy :( SPECTATOR INDEX The Spectator Index @spectatorindex - 19h BREAKING: List of Epstein documents, containing hundreds of pages of content. select the document you wish to view. Document Number: Attachment 222222222222222222222...... GARAGEREEEEEEEEEE 1 1 9 10 12 13 16 17 18 19 20 23 43 yr old mod of r/teenagers @rasta_dad 24 25 26 27 1320 Description Exhibit DE 122-4 Exhibit DE 143 Exhibit DE 144-4 Exhibit DE 144-6 Exhibit DE 152 Exhibit DE 153-7 Exhib
  • 42
    ペットボトル T. Bottles Peter Imagine You Never Heard Of Attack On Titan And You Go To The Airport And See This There Fucking Thing 大分空港 @PLDroneOperator 計画を実施中! 大分県では資源調達 人 マーレ国から大分空港利用者への指合 回資し海 収源なご をいみ !} H3826 KYLLAH 92 VRABERTAS CA300-1 AY REFODRES GA SEPERONCFICIE ば、 資源ごみ! 缶 ペットボトル ピン 4451 ※実証実験実施中※
  • 43
    W marcus @marcusjdl Someday we'll discuss the real horror of working life: the Microsoft Authenticator app 4:16 AM 1/5/24 From Earth 1.5M Views 3.5K Reposts 361 Quotes

Tags

Scroll Down For The Next Article